* This post was originally written in November of 2017. When my daughter Mara was born, I freely decided not to breastfeed her and I have never regretted either of the two decisions.

Do you know how much heartache and tears I could have saved if ANYONE would have told me this? Breastfeeding is not the best thing ever. The most you hear is about latching problems but, in general, everybody is taking those pics with a kid sucking on their nipple like “I have never felt more powerful”.

So, there you are. You are powerless, because you cannot make this breastfeeding thing work for you and your child. You are less of a woman. You are depriving your child from the healthiest way of feeding a newborn can have. You spend the first few PRECIOUS days of your child’s life stressed and unhappy because nobody told you that breastfeeding is actually hard for many many women and some are not even physically able to do so.

When my son Lennox was born, I followed a friend’s advice and asked the doctors to put him on my chest and feed him in the OR. He latched (or that is what I thought) immediately and I thought “OK. Checkmark! I am breastfeeder!”. Then he started losing weight so quickly because I was not making enough milk. We were sent home with supplemental formula but encouraged to continue to try to increase my milk supply.

I tried, and tried, and tried. The most I made was 2 ounces in one day while going through excruciating pain to do so. I gave up on trying to give him the breast because the pain was unbearable, but I was determined to make pumping work for him. But it did not. I felt like my body, a body that I nurture with healthy food and regular exercise, was betraying me. And it was betraying me in the worst possible way: by not allowing me to feed my newborn.

During the 1st two weeks, I cried everyday. I felt like a bad mother for not being able to provide food for my child (I now roll my eyes at this thought but, trust me, it hurt like a bullet then). I felt like a bad mother for wanting nothing to do with the pain that trying to get Lennox to latch came with. And I felt like a bad mother because my huge baby had lost more than 10% of his body weight in 2 days because I was not enough of a woman.

Now let me tell you what about what I just said is true: NOTHING. I did nothing wrong. I carried my baby during an extremely difficult pregnancy with the utmost care. I rested, I ate even healthier, I exercised (I look forward to writing a post about the craziness around pregnancy and exercise)…I did everything in my power to deliver that baby safely, and he was born big and strong.

Two weeks after Lennox’s birth, I went to the doctor because my breast was hurting tremendously and I was afraid that I had mastitis. I was still relentlessly trying to pump with no success. While waiting for the doctor, the nurse asked why I was there for. I could not say a word and, in between tears, I asked my husband to tell her what was going on. I started sobbing uncontrollably. She grabbed my hands while listening to my husband say that my breasts were hurting so much and that I was not having any luck with milk supply.

What she said then gave me the ability to really be fair with myself and start enjoying my child: “You are not a bad mom for not being able to breastfeed, but you cannot be the best mom for your child under this stress. Your child needs food, no matter where it comes from and needs a strong/loving/happy mom. That is all your child needs right now”. Even though I made the effort to tell her in person a few weeks later, she will never understand the impact those words had in my life.

I went home from the doctor’s office and, literally, put the pump away as soon as I got there. I felt the weight of the world being lifted from my shoulders. I felt free. I felt relieved. I, for the first time since my son was born, felt really ready to enjoy motherhood 100%.

My goal in writing this post is to share my experience in hopes that anybody struggling with breastfeeding (or anybody who simply decided not to and feels judged for it) understands that some of us never felt that there was anything great about spending hours crying to try to feed your baby and, therefore, missing precious precious time bonding with him/her. Breastfeeding is a choice and, for some, not even an option. Breastfeeding is not the best thing ever. While many people may roll their eyes and tell me stories about me not having tried hard enough to increase my supply, I have had enough and I knew it was time to stop and enjoy my baby. I am proud of my decision and have never doubted that it was what both my child and I needed to begin to bond.

Do not let anybody shame you if you decide not to breastfeed. It was the best decision I made for my child and I and will never allow anybody make me feel otherwise.